No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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