Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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