i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
