The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
