White coat. Heels.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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