Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
