I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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