too bad you live with your parents still
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
