I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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