Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Be still, my beating vagina.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize