It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
