my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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