You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
