she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
