I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
