so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
