I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
