he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize