oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
