I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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