Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
