Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
