that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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