Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
