You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
