Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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