I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
