Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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