just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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