Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
