1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
