i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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