She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
