I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
