Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
