I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
