my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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