Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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