Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
