I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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