Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
