he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
