Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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