Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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