I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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