I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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