Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
