I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
