I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
