i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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