I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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