Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
