Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
