I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Randomize
