you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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