Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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