I wish they made helmets for livers.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you inspire me to be a worse person
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
