just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
