Pants 0. Shit 1.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Sorry my hands just texted you
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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