Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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