does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
