ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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