In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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