whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize