hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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