we have pet lesbian snakes
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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