he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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