The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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