I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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