We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
